Why are you bothering?

If you hate someone, why do you bother following them?  Can't you create enough drama through speculative gossip?  Especially if you never really liked said person, why bother?  You probably have a very full life already, why bother getting yourself irritated?  Are you going to go tattle then?  Cause someone pain by telling them things that they already know and that both parties are trying to work past?  What's the point?  Do you think it's going to make you feel better, to try and dig up some dirt or something?  Go back to living your life, you don't need to relish in gossip.  

You know who you are. 

An Open Letter to My Angel Baby

To My Angel Baby

I never knew your name.  I never heard your cry.  I never heard your heartbeat, felt you kick and flip.  

I didn't know you were there, didn't even know you could come to me.  I felt the pains of my uterus expanding to grow new life and thought it was my PCOS again.  I'm so sorry, my baby.  I had nausea and exhaustion, cramps and bigger boobs,  but thought it was the stress of school and your father and I having to move so quickly.  We loved each other, you should know that.  You were conceived in love, my baby.  

I went to the OB/GYN. She asked if I wanted to do a blood test to make sure I wasn't pregnant.  I felt a pull telling me to check, but dismissed it as....... I don't even know what.  But I told her I didn't want to waste her time.  She did a pelvic exam on me.  She said I was pink and looked like I was almost ready to start my period.  We didn't know that you were there.  I'm so sorry, my baby.  She gave me pills to help me force ovulate and start my period again since it had been so long.  I'm so sorry, my baby.  

Your father redeployed early, voluntarily.  I waited until after he left to start the pills so he wouldn't have to spend his last few days stateside with me cramping and having PMS.  Sometimes I wish he hadn't left.  Maybe I would have taken a few more tests, maybe I would have gotten a blood test.  Maybe he would have taken me to the hospital when the cramps and bleeding were so bad and we could have stopped it.  Who knows, my baby.  

It took 10 days after I finished the pills for the cramping to start.  I wondered what was taking so long.  I should have gone to the doctor.  When the cramps came, it was the worst pain I have ever felt.  I moaned and contracted for hours, instinctively working my way through the pain like I was in labor.   I remember thinking that something was wrong, something wasn't right.  It shouldn't hurt this bad, it shouldn't last this long.  But I was in too much pain to drive to base medical.  I couldn't move, couldn't call anyone, couldn't think about anything other than working through one wave of pain at a time.  I'm so sorry, my baby.

The bleeding came the next day.  Painful, thick, exhausting.  I don't know how I made it through teaching classes or going to class that day.  I was depressed, far more so than I understood.  I didn't know why I was so depressed.  Your father and I were fighting, I told him we were done, I didn't understand why.  Our friend died, it made me so sad in a way I didn't understand.  I didn't know you had been there, that I had lost you.

I found out I was pregnant in October.  I was laying in bed, cramping.  I had been throwing up all day.  My boobs were bigger, I was exhausted.  And then it hit me: I knew these feelings.  I had felt them before.  Back in Washington, back in January and February.  I knew then.  I knew you had been with me.  I cried all night long.  I cried that I had accidentally killed you.  That I was a doula, and hadn't recognized the symptoms in my own body.  I cried for the loss of you, of my marriage to your father, of the recognition of what had happened.  It was a grief I can never describe, a gut punch to my center, my core.  I cried for the next 4 months, almost every night.  I didn't sleep.  I fell back into depression.  I couldn't love your half brother inside of me; I resented myself so much that I couldn't bring myself to focus on him.  I hope he knows I couldn't help it.

I talked with my aunt (your great-aunt) Nancy.  She was the first person besides your half brother's father that I had told about you.  She connected and channeled for me.  She said that this had happened for a reason, that you said there was no reason to be sorry.  That you had charted yourself in knowing this would most likely happen, to help me understand loss and grief.  I cried. 

Things started changing after that.  I started paying attention to your brother more often, then eventually, every day.  I told him I was sorry for being so sad, for making him sad.  I told him what had happened, I could feel him listening, forgiving.  It hasn't been easy, and it's far from over.  Finding out that I miscarried you after finding out I was pregnant has traumatized me.  I've had no one to talk to, everyone just wanted me to be happy about your brother.  But I'm going to counseling, and I will heal and be a good mom to your brother.  I love him, I love you.  I can feel him kicking me and flipping around as I type this, making the laptop bounce every once in awhile, him telling me it's ok to be sad, but reminding me to come back to now, because he needs me.  I have tears and sadness as I write this, but I'm ok, it's ok.  

I know when I'm in labor and pushing out your brother to come meet us you will be there.  I do not know you, you have chosen not to make yourself known to me when I request to talk to you, but I feel you, feel your energy and your spirit.  You are probably wise to not talk with me, it would probably send me spiraling.  But I know you are here and will be there in the room next to Broden as he enters our physical plane.  

Thank you for having been with me, however short the time.  Thank  you for this gift of grief and growth, because through difficulty we emerge stronger and with more understanding and empathy.  Thank you for being one of my spirit guides now, and for staying around Broden to help protect him.  

I'm sorry, my baby.  

I love you, my baby.

Love, 

Your Mom.

A radical doula

I am a doula.  I love babies and birth.  Like looooooove birth.  It is one of the most awe inspiring, spiritual acts that you could ever witness.  I am a hippy "liberal" for lack of a better term.  I believe in peace and am distraught by the amount of joyful violence and how it is seen as "necessary" by most people. This is why I don't understand people who deem invading and conquering as appropriate, shooting people as ok, and love watching videos of people getting their ass beat.  However, mention abortion or the rights of a mother over that of an unborn child and all hell breaks loose.  These same people whom embrace war will accuse someone of being a murderer, of commiting genocide.  Seriously people?  These people who think drones are necessary, that it's ok to spend billions on weaponry that never see the light of day, who have become desensitized about children being murdered in war, who scream about any new taxes that will help impoverished children, want to make sure that baby can be born, no matter what happens to the mother.  No one cares what happens to the baby after it's born.....they all say adoption is the answer.  Which their taxes pay for, which they don't want to keep paying because they can't afford it, but don't support raising the minimum wage either.  So many children are left in orphanages and in the foster system....is that really any way for a child to grow up?

Then there is the fact that so many women have been duped by men with no medical background or experience into believing that this is all their fault.  That women are the only ones to blame for having sex, that women are the only ones to blame for getting pregnant, and we are the only ones to blame for abortion.  They act like this isn't some heart wrenching decision for almost all women who make that choice.  Then they persecute them, jail them.  Then they say "stop getting pregnant" and take away our birth control while simultaneously allowing Viagra to be paid for by insurance and handing out condoms like they are candy.  So it's ok for the boys to have sex, but they can't be gay so they can only have sex with girls.  The girls who are burned at the stake for having sex and left without any way of trying to protect themselves.  And we think this is normal.  This is not normal, and it is not ok.  We are taught in school that it's our bodies, that we must never let a man take advantage of us, never let us feel that we don't have a choice to say no.  Then they turn around and tell us that a bunch of men are going to decide what we can and cannot do with our own bodies and that it is law.  If that was another country we would be invading them to rescue the women from such "sharia law", provided they have oil of course.

I say these things not to try and dissuade anyone from their thinking, but to get them thinking.  I am pro-choice.  The statement is simple.  I believe it is your choice (and father if applicable) whether or not to have an abortion, or have and keep the baby, or to put it up for adoption. Belief on a moral stance does not dictate law.  You are still a person, a human being.  It seems like the media has allowed women to believe that they are nothing more than dangerous incubators that babies must be rescued from, and the government and medical community act accordingly thus keeping this belief alive and well. There are more murders with guns, knives etc every day than there are of abortions.  Yet if you were to believe the media and the conservative groups, it would seem as though women are simply flocking to abortion clinics to keep having sex and not dealing with the consequence.  And people believe it.  Why?  Why is sending our troops to die for oil ok, but not allowing a mother who cannot feed this next baby to make a decision she feels is in it's best interest.  

I won't lie.  When I found out I was pregnant I thought about aborting.  But I felt the same pull as I did when I saw my dog at the ASPCA; that there was no choice, that that was my dog and she was coming home with me whether I wanted her or not.  And she has been the best thing in my life.  But that was MY choice.  What is best for me may not be best for someone else.  And vice versa.  I'm not the mother of 5 who just found out she and her husband have gotten pregnant again, just as they are about to be foreclosed on.  I'm not the single college student who forgot her birth control, and now the father is claiming to have no ties with.  I'm not even the coke addict who realizes that she can't beat her addiction and doesn't want to bring another human into that life, that environment.  

I'm not them, how can I judge them?  

Who says sex is only for college educated, well-off married couples?  The government and conservative groups apparently.  Women are shamed and shunned if they are unmarried and having sex.  But boys will be boys.  

How is any of this ok?  How is any of this considered normal.  Simply because we live in a patriarchal society where men have no consequence of birth, they have deemed it the women's burden to bear.  If the shoe were on the other foot with men giving birth and having to need contraception I garauntee the laws would be a complete 180.  

And people wonder why I'm a feminist.  Because of shit like this right here.  

Pregnancy progress photos

Was looking through my photos and realized I had enough finally to make a progression!  I have been absolutely TERRIBLE about taking pictures this whole time.  I should probably get better about that lol

 

In all acuality, I am really glad I at least have these photos.....although can't wait until I'm skinny again.  I should probably stop eating the Cadbury Egg that's in my mouth lol.

F*ck It

Hello exhaustion.  How is it that one day you are up and at it, checking everything off your to-do list with enthusiasm and the speed of Super Woman?  You get everything done, make your to-do list for the next day, get to bed on time, actually sleep....and then.  You get  woken up just an hour earlier than your body needed, and it's allllll downhill from there.  I did get the laundry folded.  But sat down to start on the cloth diapering how-to  bog and lost it.  Just felt all energy drain from my body and the fatigue settled over me like a rain cloud rolling over the mountains.  Even my pregnancy tea isn't helping, and that usually gives me a nice kick much like green tea would.  

The uterine pain also isn't helping.  Starting to think I have developed Symphis Pubis Dysfunction, I'll probably have to call my midwife about that. 


Soooo, do I sit her and try to get another hour sleep or so?  Maybe I'll try to at least knock out a couple more things from the to-do list before I just completely give up today lol.  So yeah, apparently it's F*ck It Friday.

Look at that tired face!!!!!  Thank God I'll be putting on makeup later lol!

Wednesday Workout April 2

Hola!

Last week sucked.  I was going through a growth spurt (well, he was, but you know what I mean) and was in pain and had NO energy.  I tried going once, and ended up doubling over in pain on the treadmill, so took my happy ass home for lots of liquids and a nice warm bath.

I'm back at it this week though.  I forgot to post my monday workout, and honestly can't remember what I did. Eh, oh well.  So here is today's.  I took it at a moderately easy pace since I'm still feeling those twinges of 'ouchness'. 


Cardio:

Treadmill- walk at level 2.5, speed at 4mph.  Keep pace for 15 minutes.  Then for next 15 minutes, alternate running at 5.8mph for one minute, and walking at 4mph for one minute.  

Toning:

Side to side bends with Shoulder Press-  50/20 x 3.  Hold weight in each hand, and keeping core tight and glutes tucked under, lower weight to left knee, then back up, and down to right knee and  back up. Complete all 50 reps, then go straight into Shoulder Press for 20 reps.  10 second break between sets.

Side Lunge with Lawnmower- 20x3 each side.   Step into deep side lunge on the Left, making sure butt is back and thigh is parallel to floor without going over toes.  Take opposite arm with weight, lower weight to left foot and pull up and across body (like starting a lawnmower).  Complete all reps, switch sides.

Sumo squats with Kettlebell Swing- 15 x 3.  Step into wide stance. Lower down into squat while simultaneously swinging kettlebell up.  Make sure to lower butt and not lean forward, keeping chest up, core tight, and back straight.  Use glutes to push back up, lowering kettlebell.  


Make sure to stretch your back when your done!  


Now I think I'm going to go enjoy a smoothie.  Check out my recipes HERE :)

Smoothie Recipes!

I freaking LOVE smoothies and juicing!  They are quick, easy, and if you do them properly, a full meal and quite healthy!  I know if you go to a smoothie joint, you can get some crazy concotions, complete with protein powders and such, but these can also add up to a whopping 800 calories with some of them!  You don't need that in  your body.  If I'm going to consume 800 calories, I'm going to have a full Indian meal, complete with naan, mango lassi, and lots of basmati rice!


I've been living on smoothies lately since they seem to be helping my heartburn quite a bit, and are so easy to make up.  Throw in your base, some fruit, some liquid and call it a day.

Below are some of my favorite smoothies that I've been making on the regular.  I don't put in protein powder, but you could with any of these for an extra boost of protein, or use them with a meal replacement like Shakeology.

I have found that smoothie making just isn't an exact science, and it's best that way in my opinion.  Some days you will want to experiment with an extra ingredient, or more of a liquid, or less ice.  All these recipes are simply bases to start, then add and subtract as you like!  Make it yours :)

Chocolate Peanut Butter Smoothie

Use either 8oz of Bolthouse Farms Chocolate Protein Plus or 1 large banana with 1 tsp of cocoa powder and 1 tbs of whey protein (If using banana, make sure to use a liquid base like almond milk)

3 Tbs peanut butter

Throw into a blender or NutriBullet and blend until creamy. Add in a bit of crushed ice to make it thicker and colder.

Banana Smoothie

1 medium or large banana

1/3 cup of yoghurt or Greek yoghurt.

dash of cinnamon

1/4 cup of almond milk (or whatever milk product you prefer)

drizzle of honey

1 tsp ground flaxseed meal

Put all ingredients into blender, and blend until well mixed and smooth

Good Morning Smoothie

1 orange, peeled and cut into slices

2 large strawberries, sliced

1/2 banana, sliced

1/4 cup of orange juice

1/4 cup of pomegranate juice

ice to thicken

Blend until smooth.  If too thin, add ice to thicken

Strawberry Banana Goodness  

1 large banana, sliced

3 strawberries, sliced

1/3 cup of Greek yoghurt

1/4 cup or more of pomegranate juice

ice to thicken

Blend until creamy and smooth

Dreamcicle Smoothie

4-6 oranges, juiced (1 cup of orange juice or 2 oranges, sectioned will also work)

1/3 cup of Greek yoghurt

drizzle of honey                                                                          

a couple drops of vanilla extract

Dessert in a Glass

5 strawberries

1/2 cup almond milk

2 Tbs almond butter

ice to thicken

Super Green Detox Smoothie

recipe link here

Diets and Eating Disorders: The Pregnancy Roller Coaster From Hell

This has been on my mind for some time, whether to write this or not.  I try not to get ultra serious on here, and try to keep it positive.  But I really do think this is something that needs to be talked about more often.  Eating disorders are terrible.  There is no "better" or "worse" type of eating disorder.  One is not more serious than another, they all suck, all ruin lives.  And then you throw in pregnancy.  Your body is out of control, your hormones are out of control, and all you can do is watch almost as a passenger does as your body expands and proportions itself to make room for your new little human.

I have bulimia and body dysmorphic disorder.  I have the type of bulimia where you binge and then starve.  Thankfully, I have always hated throwing up, and so couldn't bring myself to start traditional purging after eating.  However, I have been known to abuse water pills, and diet pills that encourage your body to "go to the bathroom" several times a day.  My body dysmorphic disorder is severe.  I have days where I break down in tears just from seeing my reflection.  I have had that both prior to pregnancy and now.  Those days are terrible.  I cry and fall into depression, it's all I can think about.  All I can do is poke at my hips and love handles, stare at my waist and plan my next gym routine.  All that goes through my head is that voice that I have come to know as both a comfort and a terror all at the same time.  It tells me I'm disgusting, pathetic and fat.  It tells me that I will never be good enough and that Dustin will leave me because I'm getting too fat.  Disgusting is the most common word that is replayed over and over in my head on those days.  It's said so much that it almost becomes a meditative mantra.  The voice calls me such names, that if I ever heard a person calling themselves or another those things, I would lash out at them.  F&%king disgusting fat ass pig, for example.  

That was really hard to write that.

In pregnancy, this can quadruple.  Seeing thin, beautiful women who've clearly had 3 children, is a trigger that I must battle with daily.  Every time I see them, I simultaneously want to hide at home to shame eat an entire pizza (or cake, or pie, or bag of pirates booty), and want to hate those women with all my might.  It's not their fault that they are thin after having children; they may in fact, be struggling with their own body issues.  But all I can see is them flaunting their thinness in my face. I construe vicious and passive aggressive comments in their faces and looks, when none may in fact exist.  

I have given up self-criticism for Lent, and I do think this is the hardest Lent I've ever had to complete.  I have to ask for forgiveness and solace every day, and I'm pretty sure if I was a devout Catholic, I would be spending all my time repenting with "Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee......."  

With the constant barrage of "ideal" images we contend with every day, it's no wonder that more than 65% of American women between the ages of 25 and 45 struggle with eating disorders (www.psychcentral.com).  This number does not reflect the percentage of women who are pregnant who may be struggling with body issues or eating disorders.  Many women are unconsciously told by others that they need to get over it.  People, usually other women who have possibly gone through the same thing, say the same trite statements formed in what they see as positive encouragement.  Telling a woman to go ahead and eat, she's eating for two, it's time to quit complaining and focus on her baby, or even worse they are just told to stop.  To stop focusing on their body, to stop 'complaining', to stop worrying and enjoy watching their baby grow, to worry about making sure their baby is gaining enough weight.  This can make a woman who struggles with eating disorders or body disorders feel that they are even more of a failure.  That in addition to trying desperately to control their body, that they are failing to provide a nurturing, nutritious environment for their child.  Can you imagine the toll this can take on a mind that is already feeling like it may crack at any moment?  Can you imagine feeling that not only are you a failure at being thin, but that you are already a failure at being a mother?  I do not think anyone says these things with the intention of being hurtful, but unless the time is taken to truly understand the psyche of the mother, those statements of supposed encouragement can truly lead to the undoing of an already fragile emotional stability.

Even though American women are encouraged to gain anywhere from 25-35 lbs during pregnancy, weight and subsequent weight loss are the main topics of pregnancy.  Women are constantly told what to eat, when to eat, how to eat. They are told to maintain their gradual weight gain, to not gain too much. Obviously, there are many legitimate health reasons for these precautions: Gestational diabetes is rampant, as well as obesity, too large babies, respiratory problems for both mom and baby, etc.  We all want to be healthy, not only for ourselves, but our babies as well.  And we worry ourselves sick thinking we are not providing for our children.  But do we really need such an emphasis on weight? Ask any woman what's on her mind during pregnancy, or what the first thing she wants to do after giving birth.  Most often the answer will be A) How much weight she's gained, and B) How soon she can get back to working out to lose the baby weight.  

The way that this is beaten into women is troubling. Magazines, doctors, and well-meaning family members all give advice through caution and judgement.  Sometimes too much judgment.  The media especially is very unforgiving when it comes to women's weight and birth.  They are judged if they gain "too much" and are told to lay off the cake and go for a walk.  If they gain "too little", a woman is deemed selfish, putting her own needs before the baby.  The media is never satisfied, always looking for sensationalism, and we are caught in the cross hairs.  The same is true for after birth; if a woman takes "too long" to lose weight, she is frumpy and lazy.  If she loses weight "too quickly", again she is deemed as selfish, putting her vanity before the needs of her newborn.  And we fall for it!!!!!!  We allow the media to put us all on the defensive, to make us feel like we have to compete with each other, have to have excuses or rather "not" have excuses for why we have or haven't lost the weight.  We are so insecure with ourselves that we see a poster of a very fit woman asking "What's your excuse" and immediately go on the defensive of why our reasons are so much more valid.  I get it, the thin women make me feel like shit too.  But I take it as she is trying to say, "If I can do it, so can you."  

But I digress.

More needs to be done to validate a woman's very deep and complicated relationship with her body and her Self.  I'm sure many of us feel that we are being encouraging by telling the pregnant woman to just forget about it and enjoy eating.  Maybe we do that because when a woman comes forward with concerns about her body or her eating, it reminds us of our own very real struggles, and we aren't ready to deal with it.  Maybe it comes from passed down conditioning, decades and generations of women since the 40's being conditioned that having concern for her own body is selfish.  Maybe it comes from our own discomfort at letting a woman feel anything 'negative' about pregnancy.  Whatever the reason, we must start not simply listening to what is being said, but validating it.  Real, true validation.  Acknowledge that not only is she allowed to express concerns, but that it is ok.  That she is in a safe space to do so, embraced without being patronized.

My midwives have put me in touch with a therapist, and I am very grateful.  I haven't found the courage yet to contact the therapist, that is a huge step that I know will open many wounds and force me to confront and deal with the negative side of me.  It's a scary thought to deal with all of that, plus admitting that your body has come to find a comfort in abusing itself.  But I will do it.  And so can any other woman who needs help.  If you feel like you have nowhere to turn, that no one truly understands or comprehends the thoughts in your head, please, contact me.  I will listen without judgment and try to find a way to help you and get the help that is needed. 

 I am here for you, because I am one of you.  And I love you.