So I realize it's been awhile since my last post. I've kind of fallen of the wagon here, but if I don't feel there is anything relevant to post, I won't post.
I'm wondering when this dissatisfaction with my life leave me. I'm hoping it's as soon as I leave my current command, because that is where all of my dissatisfaction seems to stem from. I have things to be happy about, and lately especially have been getting out and having fun with friends, but I still feel this distaste, this boredom with my life. studying for birth related things and dance take me to a zone which is wonderful, but there is always something niggling about in the back of my head that says "time to go, time to go, time to go!" Perhaps it is because I was only slated to be here for 2 years, and accomplished what i was supposed to personally in those 2. So now that I'm ready to move on to the next step, I'm stuck and my energy is ready to move on and move ahead, but circumstances are physically not allowing it yet.
Which brings me to my next topic. It seems as though a lot of people are feeling stuck right now. They have all been told what to do and how to do it for so long, and now that they are finally taking the blinders off their eyes, and seeing things for how they really are, they have no idea how to change it. They've been trained to listen to others, to limit themselves to one area, and now that there is a whole wide world and literally a fresh start in front of them I feel they are overwhelmed and have no idea how to make things happen. This is where bringing back your inner child comes into play and letting your imagination run free is vital. Picture what you want (desire) and let it form clearly in your head. Then put it into action. Prayer or meditation is also very important here. This sets the energy moving into the direction you desire it to. Just as for an instance, if you never said "i love you" to your significant, would they know? Would they return the love if they never felt or knew it? Would your relationship ever happen at all? This is a basic one but essentially the same thing. Setting energy in motion. It is imparitive to put positive energy into all things. So whether you are starting in on a new leg of your journey or at a crossroads wondering which direction to go, spend a little quiet time with yourself and let your imagination and positive energy run free and see where you end up! The answer you get might surprise you! And always remember to never dismiss an idea, just set it to the side to mull over, the crazy one might just be the right one!
Blesings to all!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
I hate waiting!!!!!!
So this will probably be an incredibly short post, but I am just so anxious to get this new chapter in our lives going! This whole sitting here waiting thing. Waiting to get a hard copy of orders, waiting to see what schools I will be able to do once the G.I. Bill changes, waiting to do our house hunting, and just trying to make it out of here alive is starting to get to me. Plus I just have spring/cabin fever like nothing else right now, and work is starting to pick up it's spring/summer schedule which means we work ridiculous hours and for no apparent reason other than to help make "certain people" look good on their eval. Plus, I am just itching to go somewhere, to do something, to break out of this rut we are stuck in. Jimmy and I have both started finding ways to help us get through the week; dance for me, the gun range for him. But it's just a slight variation to the everyday dredge we feel constantly. Don't get me wrong, we are both doing so much better than we were just a couple months ago, but honestly I feel like Oklahoma is just one big waiting room. It doesnt feel like people LIVE here, they merely exist. And that is a very sad feeling. I desire to live again, really live. To feel fulfilled and joyful everyday, to feel something everyday. Not just this numbness, the constant feeling like i'm supposed to be doing, watching out for somehing. Anyone else going through this right now? I'm not going crazy am I?
Well, maybe once the sun comes back out I will start feeling better. I will miss the sun once we're in WA that's for sure, and the heat lol.
Blessings to all!
Well, maybe once the sun comes back out I will start feeling better. I will miss the sun once we're in WA that's for sure, and the heat lol.
Blessings to all!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Something you should already know....How Gardening is good for the Soul!
So after a stressful week of dealing with TAPS (transition assistance programs) class, getting my car broken into, dealing with all the bank stuff, and just general PMS I decided on a whim yesterday that I was finally going to plant something in the dirt spots outside my apartment. I had been talking about doing it for a couple years now, and although we will be leaving in a few months, I guess the universe said "OK, now's the time to do something."
So off to Home Depot we went, without much knowledge of how to make the soil fertile around here, what kind of plants to put in the ground and some butterfly grasses and flowering plants on order and arriving in a couple weeks. 2 bags of soil, 1 bag of rocks, a couple of simple tools, 4 small flowers, 1 gardening magazine, and $65 later and we're back home. Came home from a doula class and just decided to at least til up one part of the dirt before dance class. Well, got so absorped in the project that just an hour later I had the soil tilled, and mulched and the flowers planted. We "aqquired" some river rocks from a nearby tree on the complex and my small bag of rocks now gave a cleaness to the shrub in the same "dirt patch".
Anywho, after hearing about all the details you didn't care about, I realized that I had thought of nothing while gardening, other than nurturing the earth, and making her sustainable, at least in that little part. It was so nice to get dirt on my hands, work up a little sweat, and actually liking doing manual work for a change. To connect with the earth like that again! How renewing, how stimulating and centering all at the same time! Think about it, when is the last time you just sat on the ground? Didn't think about what people were thinking or saying, worrying about anything. Children instincivly do it, play in the dirt, sit on the grass, hug and climb a tree. But for some reason when we become "grown up" it's not appropriate to do so anymore. We're looked at as tree hugging "hippies" if we don't sit on the specified bench, or are not doing something if we are sitting on the ground such as fishing, reading, drawing yadda yadda yadda. I think it's time to change all this! I say if you see a pretty patch of grass sit on it, and enjoy feeling connected to the earth! Go climb a tree or if you're feeling brave go ahead and hug her! Let her nurture you, and you nurture her! Shit, talk to the earth if you please! I had a flower who was damm near dead when I put it in the ground, but gave it a little loving pep talk, letting it know it was safe now, and that it needed to pull through. I kid you not, after just a half cup of water and being planted in the earth, that bright red little face just found it's color and life and lifted it's head to praise the sun! It was a great reminder of how when we become so detatched from the earth (being potted in a cup) and our life is draining away (water and nutrients), maybe all we need is a little TLC from Mother Earth!
In closing, I encourage all of you out there to do a little gardening, even if it's just a house plant or window box, let your imagination run free, plant pretty colors and frangrances, or if that's not possible, go connect with nature. Instead of driving to the mall (yet again) go to the park, play on the swings, climb a tree or just lay in the grass and watch the clouds. It's time to reconnect to Mother Earth and see how much better you feel after just an hour of spending some quality time with your "Mother".
Blessings to All!
So off to Home Depot we went, without much knowledge of how to make the soil fertile around here, what kind of plants to put in the ground and some butterfly grasses and flowering plants on order and arriving in a couple weeks. 2 bags of soil, 1 bag of rocks, a couple of simple tools, 4 small flowers, 1 gardening magazine, and $65 later and we're back home. Came home from a doula class and just decided to at least til up one part of the dirt before dance class. Well, got so absorped in the project that just an hour later I had the soil tilled, and mulched and the flowers planted. We "aqquired" some river rocks from a nearby tree on the complex and my small bag of rocks now gave a cleaness to the shrub in the same "dirt patch".
Anywho, after hearing about all the details you didn't care about, I realized that I had thought of nothing while gardening, other than nurturing the earth, and making her sustainable, at least in that little part. It was so nice to get dirt on my hands, work up a little sweat, and actually liking doing manual work for a change. To connect with the earth like that again! How renewing, how stimulating and centering all at the same time! Think about it, when is the last time you just sat on the ground? Didn't think about what people were thinking or saying, worrying about anything. Children instincivly do it, play in the dirt, sit on the grass, hug and climb a tree. But for some reason when we become "grown up" it's not appropriate to do so anymore. We're looked at as tree hugging "hippies" if we don't sit on the specified bench, or are not doing something if we are sitting on the ground such as fishing, reading, drawing yadda yadda yadda. I think it's time to change all this! I say if you see a pretty patch of grass sit on it, and enjoy feeling connected to the earth! Go climb a tree or if you're feeling brave go ahead and hug her! Let her nurture you, and you nurture her! Shit, talk to the earth if you please! I had a flower who was damm near dead when I put it in the ground, but gave it a little loving pep talk, letting it know it was safe now, and that it needed to pull through. I kid you not, after just a half cup of water and being planted in the earth, that bright red little face just found it's color and life and lifted it's head to praise the sun! It was a great reminder of how when we become so detatched from the earth (being potted in a cup) and our life is draining away (water and nutrients), maybe all we need is a little TLC from Mother Earth!
In closing, I encourage all of you out there to do a little gardening, even if it's just a house plant or window box, let your imagination run free, plant pretty colors and frangrances, or if that's not possible, go connect with nature. Instead of driving to the mall (yet again) go to the park, play on the swings, climb a tree or just lay in the grass and watch the clouds. It's time to reconnect to Mother Earth and see how much better you feel after just an hour of spending some quality time with your "Mother".
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Jigs Up Kids......
I'm terribly troubled by everything that has happened in the last 24 hours. Now anyone who knows me, knows that 1) I'm not a "religous" person in the traditional sense, and 2) I do not believe in the whole "doomsday" theories that are popping up left and right. I've always believed that the "end " of the world will not be a litteral end, but a universal and concious mind shift towards the lights, moving energy towards higher vibrations, and universal love. I'm still realistic, not thinking that this planet will ever be the so-called "eutopian" society where everyone walks around in togas and meditates all day, although that does sound super peaceful haha. But even if we just learned to live in harmony with and respecting each other and the enviroment, can you imagine how much better a place this would be? Just think about it.
Anyway, everything is happening all at once. There is no possible way between Mother Nature trembling with fury at how we are treating each other and her, the social upheavals and what is practically revolution going on all throughout America and the Midde East that anyone can deny that things are coming to a close. In what sense I'm not sure, although I'm hoping it's the universal consious shift and not the wiping us out and starting over. I have been debating all day wether or not to say a thing like this, because I work with so many closed-minded people and even my own mother just refuse to see, to just phoo phoo it away saying things will all work out, that other people need to change, that I'm being retarded, I'm reading too much into things, I'm being drama.
But here it is.......We have to change kids! We must remove those who have led us astray, we have to trust ourselves first and foremost, then trust and love each other. I don't undertand why this is such a foreign concept to people. There are all different kinds of love but for some reason everyone equates love with softness, with weakness. When did caring for your fellow man become an abstract and ridiculed ideal? when did it become the norm to always have your gaurd up and put down others and strip others of what they have willingly given you in their trust? And let me please clarify here, when I say remove those who have led us astray I do not mean doing so in a bloodthirsty fashion that is coming soley from our dark parts and ego selves, but gently and lovingly removing them so that real change can occur. This can happen. I am just not understanding any of this. The willingness to keep the rose colored glasses on, to keep thinking that everything is ok that things "just sometimes happen". Listen closley to yourself, I know you guys can feel that pull at the center of your core, right underneath your diaphram and rib cage, you can feel a pull or a tightness. I know you can hear that soft little voice which some call your concience, and others call your higher Self, telling you that it's time to change, that it's urgent, that we must raise ourselves out of this fog we allow ourselves to dwindle in. I know you guys can, just still yourself, just listen......just....listen.
Blessings to all!
Anyway, everything is happening all at once. There is no possible way between Mother Nature trembling with fury at how we are treating each other and her, the social upheavals and what is practically revolution going on all throughout America and the Midde East that anyone can deny that things are coming to a close. In what sense I'm not sure, although I'm hoping it's the universal consious shift and not the wiping us out and starting over. I have been debating all day wether or not to say a thing like this, because I work with so many closed-minded people and even my own mother just refuse to see, to just phoo phoo it away saying things will all work out, that other people need to change, that I'm being retarded, I'm reading too much into things, I'm being drama.
But here it is.......We have to change kids! We must remove those who have led us astray, we have to trust ourselves first and foremost, then trust and love each other. I don't undertand why this is such a foreign concept to people. There are all different kinds of love but for some reason everyone equates love with softness, with weakness. When did caring for your fellow man become an abstract and ridiculed ideal? when did it become the norm to always have your gaurd up and put down others and strip others of what they have willingly given you in their trust? And let me please clarify here, when I say remove those who have led us astray I do not mean doing so in a bloodthirsty fashion that is coming soley from our dark parts and ego selves, but gently and lovingly removing them so that real change can occur. This can happen. I am just not understanding any of this. The willingness to keep the rose colored glasses on, to keep thinking that everything is ok that things "just sometimes happen". Listen closley to yourself, I know you guys can feel that pull at the center of your core, right underneath your diaphram and rib cage, you can feel a pull or a tightness. I know you can hear that soft little voice which some call your concience, and others call your higher Self, telling you that it's time to change, that it's urgent, that we must raise ourselves out of this fog we allow ourselves to dwindle in. I know you guys can, just still yourself, just listen......just....listen.
Blessings to all!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
How being Joyful helps loose weight!
Hello again all, if anyone reads this.
This post is about being joyful in life, even if you have to force it in at first, and the profound benefits that compound from it.
When I first got out to Oklahoma I was still full of love for my job, love for people I worked with, Joy at being in the Navy and being okay with my body for the most part. But within 2 months of being out here, between all the greasy food, lack of anything to do (read, no good weather or ocean), feeling alienated from co-workers, having no girlfriends, and trying to deal with a devastating break-up the weight slowly then not so slowly started creeping on. I started another relationship, and we were both so miserable here with work that all we did was self soothe with food and alcohol. I knew we were both putting on weight, I was trying to avoid the fact that I had undeniabley gone up at least a size, felt bloated all the time and was just in general unhealthy and felt distgusting. The breaking point came during the winter. I won't go into details about exactly what made me stop denying and making excuses but I cried for almost 2 days.
My fiance and I got engaged, and like most women I wanted to loose weight, so joined a gym and the first time I stepped on the scale I almost passed out! 145lb, and I had even lost a few pounds at this point! Anyone who knows me, knows I have always taken pride in my body and taking care of it the best I can. So anyways, skipping ahead some months, I managed to loose the weight for my wedding but it was such a struggle because I never felt anything other than "I must loose this weight. If I work out this much, then I can consume so many calories. So if I consume this many calories yesterday then today I need to work out for this long and do this much, so that I can consume this many calories subtracted from yesterdays calories." Head spinning? Yah, try living with that in your head, all day every day. While also trying not to loose your mind at work and seeing a thereapist because of the anger from work you feel every day. It was insane. I was insane.
BIG POINT HERE: there was NO JOY in anything I was doing, I felt no joy in working out for my wedding, just freaking out that I would not look good in my dress, even the day of my wedding, after freaking out on my mom (sorry ma) all I could do was wonder if my dress would fit, if I would look ok. ARE YOU READING THIS! It was my wedding day!! I should have been focusing on that whole "i do, I do " thing, focusing on the fact that the sun was shining for our wedding, not if my dress was freaking going to fit properly!
So a couple months ago I started dancing, ballet and bellydance. I realized how stupid I've been, how it was all so simple, just find joy in what you do, find something that makes you joyful. I'm not sure how much if anymore weight i've lost but I feel incredible. My abs, ass and legs are in the best shape they've been in since I trained for the olympics, I feel eleated that I have something to look forward to during the week, I feel sexy, nimble and more limber than in years. I have a purpose in life again. My energetic fields and connection with God has increased tenfold. I feel lighter than I have in years, and it is no longer a struggle to eat well and work out, I simply DESIRE to do so. There's no thought process or schedule to it anymore, taking care of my body and eating well now come as naturally as breathing. I'm not beating myself up for "cheating" or wondering how much I will have to work out to make up for it as much anymore because I know my body will forgive me, as I will forgive myself and will continue to be joyful.
It is so important to be joyful in what you are doing when you take care of your body. If you are not then all the working out in the world will not help. The emotional baggage you carry with you will show up in the physical, and often as literal extra baggage around your tummy. If the workout you are doing now isn't making you joyful, find something else! It's as simple as that, everyone is different so there will always be different things that make people joyful. I know this blog was all over the place but I hope I managed to convey the imortant message here, that each person MUST find the thing that makes them joyful, and everything else in your life, and I do mean everthing will start falling into place. You will find how everything is so much easier, just like breathing if you let go and just find something that brings joy, true joy to your spirit!
Blessings to all!
This post is about being joyful in life, even if you have to force it in at first, and the profound benefits that compound from it.
When I first got out to Oklahoma I was still full of love for my job, love for people I worked with, Joy at being in the Navy and being okay with my body for the most part. But within 2 months of being out here, between all the greasy food, lack of anything to do (read, no good weather or ocean), feeling alienated from co-workers, having no girlfriends, and trying to deal with a devastating break-up the weight slowly then not so slowly started creeping on. I started another relationship, and we were both so miserable here with work that all we did was self soothe with food and alcohol. I knew we were both putting on weight, I was trying to avoid the fact that I had undeniabley gone up at least a size, felt bloated all the time and was just in general unhealthy and felt distgusting. The breaking point came during the winter. I won't go into details about exactly what made me stop denying and making excuses but I cried for almost 2 days.
My fiance and I got engaged, and like most women I wanted to loose weight, so joined a gym and the first time I stepped on the scale I almost passed out! 145lb, and I had even lost a few pounds at this point! Anyone who knows me, knows I have always taken pride in my body and taking care of it the best I can. So anyways, skipping ahead some months, I managed to loose the weight for my wedding but it was such a struggle because I never felt anything other than "I must loose this weight. If I work out this much, then I can consume so many calories. So if I consume this many calories yesterday then today I need to work out for this long and do this much, so that I can consume this many calories subtracted from yesterdays calories." Head spinning? Yah, try living with that in your head, all day every day. While also trying not to loose your mind at work and seeing a thereapist because of the anger from work you feel every day. It was insane. I was insane.
BIG POINT HERE: there was NO JOY in anything I was doing, I felt no joy in working out for my wedding, just freaking out that I would not look good in my dress, even the day of my wedding, after freaking out on my mom (sorry ma) all I could do was wonder if my dress would fit, if I would look ok. ARE YOU READING THIS! It was my wedding day!! I should have been focusing on that whole "i do, I do " thing, focusing on the fact that the sun was shining for our wedding, not if my dress was freaking going to fit properly!
So a couple months ago I started dancing, ballet and bellydance. I realized how stupid I've been, how it was all so simple, just find joy in what you do, find something that makes you joyful. I'm not sure how much if anymore weight i've lost but I feel incredible. My abs, ass and legs are in the best shape they've been in since I trained for the olympics, I feel eleated that I have something to look forward to during the week, I feel sexy, nimble and more limber than in years. I have a purpose in life again. My energetic fields and connection with God has increased tenfold. I feel lighter than I have in years, and it is no longer a struggle to eat well and work out, I simply DESIRE to do so. There's no thought process or schedule to it anymore, taking care of my body and eating well now come as naturally as breathing. I'm not beating myself up for "cheating" or wondering how much I will have to work out to make up for it as much anymore because I know my body will forgive me, as I will forgive myself and will continue to be joyful.
It is so important to be joyful in what you are doing when you take care of your body. If you are not then all the working out in the world will not help. The emotional baggage you carry with you will show up in the physical, and often as literal extra baggage around your tummy. If the workout you are doing now isn't making you joyful, find something else! It's as simple as that, everyone is different so there will always be different things that make people joyful. I know this blog was all over the place but I hope I managed to convey the imortant message here, that each person MUST find the thing that makes them joyful, and everything else in your life, and I do mean everthing will start falling into place. You will find how everything is so much easier, just like breathing if you let go and just find something that brings joy, true joy to your spirit!
Blessings to all!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Lessons on the importance of Healthy Bounderies!!
So even though I've had almost 12 hours of sleep, I am still so energetically drained. I attended a birth yesterday and the first part of it went just fantastic!!! I am so proud of the momma for keeping her cool, inwardly focusing and doing amazing breathing during her contractions which I know had to be pretty strong since she was on Pitocin and they had upped it 3 times already! Then she felt as though she was loosing it so opted for an epidural. I thought she could do it, but it's not my place to argue with her or tell her what to do. It is my place to support her, no matter what decision she makes. Well not suprisingly the baby's FHT (fetal heart tones) and her blood pressure took a turn for the worse. We'll skip ahead a few hours to the pushing. While momma was pushing, I noticed that I was starting to get lightheaded, felt the blood draining form me, and knew i had to throw up. This happened 3 or 4 times and only when she was straining and pushing. Looking back now I realized i was picking up on her and the baby's vibes which were letting me know that niether one of them had the proper oxygen they needed. skipping ahead some more. I almost lost it when the baby's head was finally born, the cord was wrapped around the neck and her head was white.....not even purple, but white. I knew we had a dead baby on our hands, thankfully the amazing staff got in right away, and her little soul decided to stay! It took me a few minutes to pull myself together but after I did I was right back to work.
The big lesson here was that I didn't keep my energetic bounderies, which hindered my ability to help both momma and baby. If I had been an attending midwife instead of just the Doula, I would not have been able to do my job and the baby might have died. So what to do now? I refuse to call it quits just because I am senstive to other's vibes and energies they put out. So practicing focusing, realizing what the vibe is and knowing what it is telling me is super important, but then also so it feeling the vibe and then remaining grounded and centered and letting the vibe roll right off of me. I'm not sure how i'm going to pull that one off, something to definetely discuss with my healer next time I visit her. but in the meantime I'm going to try and recuperate myself. I had a good cry in the shower this morning, thanking all the guides and angels that were with us in the delivery room last night, then went for a run to pull myself together, and I feel a little more myself now.
To all my other "momma dealers" as I affectionatley call all of us, please always remember to have your healthy bounderies! You never realize how important it is until you're in the weeds, wondering which way is up!
Blessings to all!
The big lesson here was that I didn't keep my energetic bounderies, which hindered my ability to help both momma and baby. If I had been an attending midwife instead of just the Doula, I would not have been able to do my job and the baby might have died. So what to do now? I refuse to call it quits just because I am senstive to other's vibes and energies they put out. So practicing focusing, realizing what the vibe is and knowing what it is telling me is super important, but then also so it feeling the vibe and then remaining grounded and centered and letting the vibe roll right off of me. I'm not sure how i'm going to pull that one off, something to definetely discuss with my healer next time I visit her. but in the meantime I'm going to try and recuperate myself. I had a good cry in the shower this morning, thanking all the guides and angels that were with us in the delivery room last night, then went for a run to pull myself together, and I feel a little more myself now.
To all my other "momma dealers" as I affectionatley call all of us, please always remember to have your healthy bounderies! You never realize how important it is until you're in the weeds, wondering which way is up!
Blessings to all!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Vive la France!
So I have been contemplating on where to go for my terminal leave for the past few weeks. I know it sounds silly but this is probably the one chance I will have in my life to just go, wherever I want, by myself. Had been dileberating on Canada or the Northwest Pacific, but none of that really said "yes, this is where you should be!" So for one reason or another I started learning French, then it hit me, duh! France is where I should go! Started doubting myself of course and coming up with every reason I could not to go. But realized if I don't go now, I never will. I also realized that by staying in country for all of my terminal leave, I was doing so strictly for other people and would end up regretting it and being angry with them and myself for doing something (again!) only for other people and not for me. I had started planning on hibernating to the mountains out east, when that little voice popped up and said, "no try France". And it felt right when it said it, I felt calm and peaceful and happy when I listened to it. When I thought about spending my entire leave State side I just felt blah, and outside myself. So after remembering that I also have friends spread throughout Europe that I haven't seen since high school, this just seems better and better! So now I am in the process of looking for the right region to stay and a place to rent for a month. The Universe and my guides haven't let me down so far and I know that if I trust in them, then this extended vacation will go exactly as I desire it to, and how it should!!!!!!!
Moral of the story today, listen to your Guides!!!!!!!!!!
Moral of the story today, listen to your Guides!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sleep deprivation and thoughts of failure at its finest
So I think the last time i slept for more than 2 or 3 hours was.........shit what day is it anyway? Ok i think Wednesday was the last time I got 6 solid hours. I hate it, I feel like crying because of the exhaustion, I can feel my body giving out on me, I'm realizing that my entire weekend has been wasted in exhaustion and trying to sleep, and somehow I need to drag my happy ass to dance rehersal tonight, and try not to be a bitch towards my husband for actually sleeping. Even though in my irrational fatigue I just want to punch the poor guy for sleeping 10-12 hours A DAY whilst I get a measly 2 hour nap and have the dog wake me up. Even she's sleeping right now WTF??
Ok so now that my self-pity is out there, the real reason for the post. When you're exhausted all of the negative things that are going on in your life come up,and keep you up ironically because they completley occupy your mind. So for me right now, it's my Doula business. I keep wondering if this will work. I am completley passionate about it, I feel like I'm not too terrible at it and yet I don't have the clientele I would desire. Perhaps its something to do with only being around military/mil wives. Unfortunatley us Military females are taught to behave like the men and so subconciously we do at all levels of our lives. So when we should be reaching out for another female, and say I need/would like you give me comfort and support, we shut down and say "i can do this on my own, I don't need anyone" and with that rigidness things become 10x's worse....and tenfold that during childbirth. But anyway, I'm scared. I'm getting out in 10 months and am going to be essentially trying to run my own small business while studying for midwifery. I've always been under someone's watchful eye, never had to really assume all responsibillity and always played it a little on the safe side (product of my parents sigh). This is a whole new direction. All responsibility on me, having to be in charge and accountable, and shite, just the paperwork I need to keep track of alone is enough to already make my head swim! Wondering how I will be able to keep it all organized, if I seem trustworthy and open enough for women to allow me into their births. Just general feelings of panic, and it's still almost a year away! Anyone else going through something like this?
So prayer time it is....it is after all Sunday...I think..
"Great Creator, thank You for all the blessings that you have put into my life. I know that You will guide me, and send guides, instructors, and helpers as needed and as I ask for them. I trust that you will not allow me to give up and fall on my ass and feel pity for myself, but that You will keep me going, send me any and all things as I desire or have need of them on my journey towards this new point in my life. I understand it is a mission that I have set before myself before coming down and ask that You help me in all undertakings of this journey and that You help me to keep a level and aware head, to listen to my core and heart, and to let my intuition guide me to where I will be immensly sucessful and glad and grateful for the success in starting up my Doula and Midwifery practice. Thank You."
Ok so now that my self-pity is out there, the real reason for the post. When you're exhausted all of the negative things that are going on in your life come up,and keep you up ironically because they completley occupy your mind. So for me right now, it's my Doula business. I keep wondering if this will work. I am completley passionate about it, I feel like I'm not too terrible at it and yet I don't have the clientele I would desire. Perhaps its something to do with only being around military/mil wives. Unfortunatley us Military females are taught to behave like the men and so subconciously we do at all levels of our lives. So when we should be reaching out for another female, and say I need/would like you give me comfort and support, we shut down and say "i can do this on my own, I don't need anyone" and with that rigidness things become 10x's worse....and tenfold that during childbirth. But anyway, I'm scared. I'm getting out in 10 months and am going to be essentially trying to run my own small business while studying for midwifery. I've always been under someone's watchful eye, never had to really assume all responsibillity and always played it a little on the safe side (product of my parents sigh). This is a whole new direction. All responsibility on me, having to be in charge and accountable, and shite, just the paperwork I need to keep track of alone is enough to already make my head swim! Wondering how I will be able to keep it all organized, if I seem trustworthy and open enough for women to allow me into their births. Just general feelings of panic, and it's still almost a year away! Anyone else going through something like this?
So prayer time it is....it is after all Sunday...I think..
"Great Creator, thank You for all the blessings that you have put into my life. I know that You will guide me, and send guides, instructors, and helpers as needed and as I ask for them. I trust that you will not allow me to give up and fall on my ass and feel pity for myself, but that You will keep me going, send me any and all things as I desire or have need of them on my journey towards this new point in my life. I understand it is a mission that I have set before myself before coming down and ask that You help me in all undertakings of this journey and that You help me to keep a level and aware head, to listen to my core and heart, and to let my intuition guide me to where I will be immensly sucessful and glad and grateful for the success in starting up my Doula and Midwifery practice. Thank You."
Saturday, February 19, 2011
To begin with........the "whys"
So I'm not exactly sure what drove me to start a blog. I've decidedly been an opponent of them, for quite some time. But since getting stationed in Oklahoma 2 years ago, i've gone through a whirlwind of change and discovery, and started being more in tune with what the universe tries to tell you. So here I am. I guess I will find out why I'm blogging and what for and about the same time you guys are.
So lying here in bed having just carb-loaded waiting for my Tylenol PM to kick in after having only slept a couple hours after drinking all night with friends. What a night! And it was extra special since the work schedule here doesn't really allow time to have much of a private life, let alone a social one. I'm sure there are some who will call me immature for being 26 and excited to go get drunk but I was and I did lol. It wasn't so much the drinking, it was the act of drinking and having fun with people. I've realized I'm a happy drinker. I can't drink if I'm not happy, I litteraly have to force it down my throat and that's not a healthy relationship to have with alcohol. Maybe it's my grandfather watching out for me since he was an alcoholic for most of his life not wanting, so yes, I do think he hangs around and lets me know in his own way when I am not being responsible with it. Well, I can't really think of anything else right now, will talk to you all again later!
So lying here in bed having just carb-loaded waiting for my Tylenol PM to kick in after having only slept a couple hours after drinking all night with friends. What a night! And it was extra special since the work schedule here doesn't really allow time to have much of a private life, let alone a social one. I'm sure there are some who will call me immature for being 26 and excited to go get drunk but I was and I did lol. It wasn't so much the drinking, it was the act of drinking and having fun with people. I've realized I'm a happy drinker. I can't drink if I'm not happy, I litteraly have to force it down my throat and that's not a healthy relationship to have with alcohol. Maybe it's my grandfather watching out for me since he was an alcoholic for most of his life not wanting, so yes, I do think he hangs around and lets me know in his own way when I am not being responsible with it. Well, I can't really think of anything else right now, will talk to you all again later!
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