So I think the last time i slept for more than 2 or 3 hours was.........shit what day is it anyway? Ok i think Wednesday was the last time I got 6 solid hours. I hate it, I feel like crying because of the exhaustion, I can feel my body giving out on me, I'm realizing that my entire weekend has been wasted in exhaustion and trying to sleep, and somehow I need to drag my happy ass to dance rehersal tonight, and try not to be a bitch towards my husband for actually sleeping. Even though in my irrational fatigue I just want to punch the poor guy for sleeping 10-12 hours A DAY whilst I get a measly 2 hour nap and have the dog wake me up. Even she's sleeping right now WTF??
Ok so now that my self-pity is out there, the real reason for the post. When you're exhausted all of the negative things that are going on in your life come up,and keep you up ironically because they completley occupy your mind. So for me right now, it's my Doula business. I keep wondering if this will work. I am completley passionate about it, I feel like I'm not too terrible at it and yet I don't have the clientele I would desire. Perhaps its something to do with only being around military/mil wives. Unfortunatley us Military females are taught to behave like the men and so subconciously we do at all levels of our lives. So when we should be reaching out for another female, and say I need/would like you give me comfort and support, we shut down and say "i can do this on my own, I don't need anyone" and with that rigidness things become 10x's worse....and tenfold that during childbirth. But anyway, I'm scared. I'm getting out in 10 months and am going to be essentially trying to run my own small business while studying for midwifery. I've always been under someone's watchful eye, never had to really assume all responsibillity and always played it a little on the safe side (product of my parents sigh). This is a whole new direction. All responsibility on me, having to be in charge and accountable, and shite, just the paperwork I need to keep track of alone is enough to already make my head swim! Wondering how I will be able to keep it all organized, if I seem trustworthy and open enough for women to allow me into their births. Just general feelings of panic, and it's still almost a year away! Anyone else going through something like this?
So prayer time it is....it is after all Sunday...I think..
"Great Creator, thank You for all the blessings that you have put into my life. I know that You will guide me, and send guides, instructors, and helpers as needed and as I ask for them. I trust that you will not allow me to give up and fall on my ass and feel pity for myself, but that You will keep me going, send me any and all things as I desire or have need of them on my journey towards this new point in my life. I understand it is a mission that I have set before myself before coming down and ask that You help me in all undertakings of this journey and that You help me to keep a level and aware head, to listen to my core and heart, and to let my intuition guide me to where I will be immensly sucessful and glad and grateful for the success in starting up my Doula and Midwifery practice. Thank You."
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