This has been on my mind for some time, whether to write this or not. I try not to get ultra serious on here, and try to keep it positive. But I really do think this is something that needs to be talked about more often. Eating disorders are terrible. There is no "better" or "worse" type of eating disorder. One is not more serious than another, they all suck, all ruin lives. And then you throw in pregnancy. Your body is out of control, your hormones are out of control, and all you can do is watch almost as a passenger does as your body expands and proportions itself to make room for your new little human.
I have bulimia and body dysmorphic disorder. I have the type of bulimia where you binge and then starve. Thankfully, I have always hated throwing up, and so couldn't bring myself to start traditional purging after eating. However, I have been known to abuse water pills, and diet pills that encourage your body to "go to the bathroom" several times a day. My body dysmorphic disorder is severe. I have days where I break down in tears just from seeing my reflection. I have had that both prior to pregnancy and now. Those days are terrible. I cry and fall into depression, it's all I can think about. All I can do is poke at my hips and love handles, stare at my waist and plan my next gym routine. All that goes through my head is that voice that I have come to know as both a comfort and a terror all at the same time. It tells me I'm disgusting, pathetic and fat. It tells me that I will never be good enough and that Dustin will leave me because I'm getting too fat. Disgusting is the most common word that is replayed over and over in my head on those days. It's said so much that it almost becomes a meditative mantra. The voice calls me such names, that if I ever heard a person calling themselves or another those things, I would lash out at them. F&%king disgusting fat ass pig, for example.
That was really hard to write that.
In pregnancy, this can quadruple. Seeing thin, beautiful women who've clearly had 3 children, is a trigger that I must battle with daily. Every time I see them, I simultaneously want to hide at home to shame eat an entire pizza (or cake, or pie, or bag of pirates booty), and want to hate those women with all my might. It's not their fault that they are thin after having children; they may in fact, be struggling with their own body issues. But all I can see is them flaunting their thinness in my face. I construe vicious and passive aggressive comments in their faces and looks, when none may in fact exist.
I have given up self-criticism for Lent, and I do think this is the hardest Lent I've ever had to complete. I have to ask for forgiveness and solace every day, and I'm pretty sure if I was a devout Catholic, I would be spending all my time repenting with "Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee......."
With the constant barrage of "ideal" images we contend with every day, it's no wonder that more than 65% of American women between the ages of 25 and 45 struggle with eating disorders (www.psychcentral.com). This number does not reflect the percentage of women who are pregnant who may be struggling with body issues or eating disorders. Many women are unconsciously told by others that they need to get over it. People, usually other women who have possibly gone through the same thing, say the same trite statements formed in what they see as positive encouragement. Telling a woman to go ahead and eat, she's eating for two, it's time to quit complaining and focus on her baby, or even worse they are just told to stop. To stop focusing on their body, to stop 'complaining', to stop worrying and enjoy watching their baby grow, to worry about making sure their baby is gaining enough weight. This can make a woman who struggles with eating disorders or body disorders feel that they are even more of a failure. That in addition to trying desperately to control their body, that they are failing to provide a nurturing, nutritious environment for their child. Can you imagine the toll this can take on a mind that is already feeling like it may crack at any moment? Can you imagine feeling that not only are you a failure at being thin, but that you are already a failure at being a mother? I do not think anyone says these things with the intention of being hurtful, but unless the time is taken to truly understand the psyche of the mother, those statements of supposed encouragement can truly lead to the undoing of an already fragile emotional stability.
Even though American women are encouraged to gain anywhere from 25-35 lbs during pregnancy, weight and subsequent weight loss are the main topics of pregnancy. Women are constantly told what to eat, when to eat, how to eat. They are told to maintain their gradual weight gain, to not gain too much. Obviously, there are many legitimate health reasons for these precautions: Gestational diabetes is rampant, as well as obesity, too large babies, respiratory problems for both mom and baby, etc. We all want to be healthy, not only for ourselves, but our babies as well. And we worry ourselves sick thinking we are not providing for our children. But do we really need such an emphasis on weight? Ask any woman what's on her mind during pregnancy, or what the first thing she wants to do after giving birth. Most often the answer will be A) How much weight she's gained, and B) How soon she can get back to working out to lose the baby weight.
The way that this is beaten into women is troubling. Magazines, doctors, and well-meaning family members all give advice through caution and judgement. Sometimes too much judgment. The media especially is very unforgiving when it comes to women's weight and birth. They are judged if they gain "too much" and are told to lay off the cake and go for a walk. If they gain "too little", a woman is deemed selfish, putting her own needs before the baby. The media is never satisfied, always looking for sensationalism, and we are caught in the cross hairs. The same is true for after birth; if a woman takes "too long" to lose weight, she is frumpy and lazy. If she loses weight "too quickly", again she is deemed as selfish, putting her vanity before the needs of her newborn. And we fall for it!!!!!! We allow the media to put us all on the defensive, to make us feel like we have to compete with each other, have to have excuses or rather "not" have excuses for why we have or haven't lost the weight. We are so insecure with ourselves that we see a poster of a very fit woman asking "What's your excuse" and immediately go on the defensive of why our reasons are so much more valid. I get it, the thin women make me feel like shit too. But I take it as she is trying to say, "If I can do it, so can you."
But I digress.
More needs to be done to validate a woman's very deep and complicated relationship with her body and her Self. I'm sure many of us feel that we are being encouraging by telling the pregnant woman to just forget about it and enjoy eating. Maybe we do that because when a woman comes forward with concerns about her body or her eating, it reminds us of our own very real struggles, and we aren't ready to deal with it. Maybe it comes from passed down conditioning, decades and generations of women since the 40's being conditioned that having concern for her own body is selfish. Maybe it comes from our own discomfort at letting a woman feel anything 'negative' about pregnancy. Whatever the reason, we must start not simply listening to what is being said, but validating it. Real, true validation. Acknowledge that not only is she allowed to express concerns, but that it is ok. That she is in a safe space to do so, embraced without being patronized.
My midwives have put me in touch with a therapist, and I am very grateful. I haven't found the courage yet to contact the therapist, that is a huge step that I know will open many wounds and force me to confront and deal with the negative side of me. It's a scary thought to deal with all of that, plus admitting that your body has come to find a comfort in abusing itself. But I will do it. And so can any other woman who needs help. If you feel like you have nowhere to turn, that no one truly understands or comprehends the thoughts in your head, please, contact me. I will listen without judgment and try to find a way to help you and get the help that is needed.
I am here for you, because I am one of you. And I love you.
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