This took awhile to write. Not only did I have to go back in my memory to piece together the events and my recollection of them, but I had to deal with the associating feelings. And a lot of those feelings were painful, raw and dredged up things I wasn't aware of, or had moved past for the moment. I also had to decide what was truly important to write, and if it would be too much for the general audience. But hey, you guys are big kids, you know what you're getting into when you read something from me.
So to catch up, the last place I left off was practically falling through the entry way, ignoring my midwives greeting and pleading with them to let me get in the bath.
So let's continue from there.
After I asked for the bath, they said they would, but had to do an exam first to find out exactly where I was at. I had already dropped to the floor to have another contraction, and the student midwife dropped down on the floor also, to moan with me and to tell me to keep it low so I wouldn't tighten up and make the contraction worse (for those who haven't gone through it, when your water breaks you lose that little bit of cushioning you had to help buffer contractions, and they increase in intensity by 100% after that). I knew she was trying to help, but in my mind I wanted to smack her and tell her to get out of my face, so I'm glad I was in the middle of a contraction so I didn't do that, she was a really nice lady. I managed to crawl into the exam room and get no further than the doorway. The midwives tell me they can do the exam right there, which I gladly agree to. First the master midwife examines me, and I have a contraction while she is still fist deep. Thank God she has the wherewithal to hold still while I have that one. Next comes the student midwife. Let's just say there is a definite difference in the experience between those two exams.....I tell myself to not kick her, she's just doing her job and it will be over soon.
"You're at 8, and plus 1! You're almost there, hold tight."
"Grunt, nod, pant.......aahhhhhhhhhhrrraaaaaaawwwwwwwwwaoooooooaaarrrrrrrr....gasp gasp gasp...raaaaaaaaaaaaooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
Now I'm crawling up the stairs on all fours. I have no strength left in my legs, and feel as though my back is about to be broken in half from the midline. The climb is eternal, then I still have to make my way into the bathroom and have assistance to climb into the tub. I have no idea how many contractions I have had, how many I am having. No idea of how long it has taken me to make that trip. I hear D behind me and am so relieved he is there finally, and am also mildly aware that I am embarrassed and shy to have him see me in such a state. Then another contraction hits, and I don't care. I am being swallowed by the pain. They're coming every two to three minutes now, instead of three to four. In my mind I keep telling myself to hang on, to stay on top of the wave, to surf the wave. All the things I would tell a client that I was assisting in birth. They all fail me. Each time another one hits, I am engulfed in a pain that I am afraid will never end, I dread each coming one, and am aware that I am getting no rest in between sets. As I continue trying to keep my head during each one, I am only mildly aware of what is going on around me. I look down and see blood filling the water. I panic when I pass my mucous plug because of the force it is pushed out of me, and watch the waters turn into a literal bloodbath. I have a thought of joking that D should get in and join me, but the joke never makes it to my mouth as I am swallowed once again in excruciating pain.
More time passes, my body starts pushing on it's own. My roars turn into what I remember thinking sound like demonic roars and sounds. It is interesting and slightly alarming all at the same time. People comment that we picked a good mix of music, and that it's such a nice change of pace from the ocean waves that they normally have to listen to for 16 hours straight. D responds, saying we'd go crazy having to listen to that, and besides it's not like I'm paying attention to the music anyway so they might as well listen to something upbeat. I tell D to go take a break, then when he comes back I order Sue to go take one as well. They've been on their knees by the side of the tub for who knows how long, keeping me company. I apparently also was convinced at one point that I had pooped in the tub. Everyone looks at me like I'm crazy and keep telling me that, no, I did not poop (it was the back labour pressure and my mucous plug still expelling that made me feel like I had). I still don't know if I believe them. D tells me his parents are downstairs, he probably shouldn't have told me that while I was having a contraction. "What the FUCK are they doing here!" (For the record, I absolutely adore his parents. I think, at the time, I thought they were going to want to come check on me or something, I don't know. Sorry Brenda.) D tells me they are going to stay downstairs and I calm down again. Dammed Irish temper, at least it's quick.
I am checked again, and the student tells me that my cervix is swollen, and that baby is back to posterior. Dread washes over me. Having been a doula myself, I know that a swollen cervix usually means it's not going anywhere and that c-sec is probably imminent. I am so dehydrated I have no tears but I cry, a dry defeated cry that only ends when another wave of pain threatens to send me over the edge. I lean my bloody naked body onto Sue's shoulder and tell her that I'll take the epidural, I'll take the c-sec and transfer. I cry and tell her I'm not prepared, that it's over, that I can't do this anymore. She leans in and tells me that while a c-sec would feel better right now, it won't in the long run, and that I know this deep within me. The midwives come back with homeopathic pills to help with the swelling, and another pill to help with the back pain. I ask for the nitrous oxide. I am cold in the water and ask for it to be warmed. I am told baby's heart rate is raised and so I have to have it cooler to help lower it again. More bad news. I feel like I'm falling and will never be able to get back up. I am told to pant through the contractions now, so that my body will stop pushing and try to help the swelling go down. Thus begins the longest, most painful, and hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I pant painfully during each contraction, with the pain so bad that I am trying to crawl away from it even though I know there is nowhere to go, no escape, that I have to just keep moving forward to get through the 7th circle of hell. "No!No!No!No!No!.......No push!No push!No push!" This is my mantra, the instinctive words that come out to help me exhale and pant, the smallest distraction I can muster to try and move away from the pain that is threatening to tear me apart at any second.
I am taken out of the tub and agonizingly crawl to the bed so that I can lay on alternating sides to help flip baby back to position. I am shivering from cold and pain, and aware that I'm not fully here anymore. I'm not sure where part of me is, but it's probably hanging in limbo with Little Man as we work through this. I'm given water and gladly suck it down since the nitrous oxide is giving me dry mouth. The gas isn't really doing anything to help the contractions, but gives me the feeling of doing something to help and so I hold onto it as though it were my last life line before falling over the edge into the warm fuzzy darkness that is slowly closing in on me. Voices fade in and out, jolting me out of whatever place I have managed to get myself to, and brings me back to the pain. I am fading, I feel it. I don't care anymore, let the darkness take me. Just let me get the baby out first and then I will go willingly, I silently tell whatever is watching me. The air feels heavy with the presence of those not human, it's a comforting feeling. Sue asks if I would like to pray. "Nuh" is my response. The contractions are coming harder now, I am feeling pressure all through me and around me, my eyes fly open and I see someone has put my miniature totem pole on my pillow. I stare at it blankly while panting and grunting through contractions, gathering whatever last bit of strength I may have in me. I am given gatorade which I suck down before quickly returning to the nitrous oxide. Soon I am having to grab at anything I can during contractions, where I feel like a bowling ball is going to break apart my hips and my pelvis. Poor Sue, I can feel my nails digging into her and I try to loosen my grip. Soon after that, screams start erupting from me unwillingly. I smack Sue's arm repeatedly in desperation and to get her attention. "Big! Big Pressure! Ball! All over!" Another contraction takes over and I roar and scream. Then the fuzziness comes back over me. I hear Sue quietly talking to the midwife, telling her something is different, something is happening. I guess the midwives don't think my swelling could possibly have gone down that quickly and they leave again. I'm still trying not to push even as I feel the ball come down and go back.
Another grunt followed by a scream. I feel a warm pop and somehow in my haziness know that the head is out. "Get the baby, GET THE BABY!" I feel the blanket thrown back and keep my leg lifted so I don't crush his head. My eyes are still closed. Sue yells at D, "Dustin, get the midwives! Now! Go!" I hear Sue close to me, "Don't push just yet, pant still." Everything is a blur now. I hear the midwives quickly giving each other directions, feel him turned inside of me, and am told to give one more push. "Take your baby, take your baby!" My eyes flutter open for the briefest of seconds so I can see to grab him and instinctively roll over on my back to place him on my chest. I can feel how little he is, how slippery and vulnerable. I am still in labour, it feels almost like being in shock. They start the one minute APGARS. "Heart rate 125, respiration low. Wet lungs." They start blowing on my baby. Barely any sound comes out of him. "Shake a leg buddy, it's your birthday", I quietly say to him. Everyone in the room is quietly encouraging him. "Don't let him die" I say. Logically I know he's ok, but for some reason, that's what comes out of my mouth. He is moved off my chest after cutting the cord so they can keep working on him. I am told to push out the placenta. All I can think is, he's not breathing well, why are we worried about the placenta? I feel the plop of my placenta and suddenly it's all over. Right around that time, he starts making the noises we all are waiting to hear. I'm still in shock so I have D hold him and the next time I open my eyes I see D with his shirt off so he can do skin to skin with Little Man. I have never loved him more than I do at that moment.
Things start slowing down, and slowly start becoming clear again. It is 10:30 in the morning when I get up to go take a shower. Little Man was born at 9:47. Roughly eight hours of hell. D's parents come up and we quickly find as many towels as we can to cover me with so that I'm not hanging out naked when Jerry gets up there to meet his grandson. Little Man is weighed and measured. I leave D with him while I take a shower, as I am covered in dried blood and am pretty sure I have never smelled worse in my life than I do at this moment. I am surprisingly talkative and energetic. I gladly take my son when I come back and just stare at him for a bit. It is all very surreal. He's absolutely beautiful now, quiet and content, with his hair all curly and messy. I know others might not see him the way I do because of that whole primal bond thing, but to me, he's absolutely amazing.
Two hours later, we are on the highway, headed back to Ogden. I sit in the back with Broden. He snoozes in his car seat, obviously zonked from all his hard work. I reach over to play with his fingers, and in his sleep he wraps his tiny little hand around my finger. We hold each other all the way home.
Our doula, Sue.
Home at last :)
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